ALCATRAZ ER

Not many restaurants force you to clear your throat and loudly say "Pussy" to place your order, and not many restaurants have you dining in cramped prison cells. Then again, not many restaurants are like Alcatraz ER.

Thanks to a viral video, the restaurant has become known to travellers, foodies and lovers of all things eccentric across the globe - and, being someone who I'd like to think fits into all three of those categories, it was a place I was absolutely not going to miss. 

Even the detail in the waiting area was up to par - once we tracked down the restaurant in the second story of a Shibuya building, warning signs flashed and the graffiti across the dilapidated concrete walls was telling. Alcatraz ER is a themed restaurant like so many in Japan, but it's eerie commitment to it's unique concept - a medical prison, or mental asylum - is what made it unforgettable.

The wait was thankfully short, and our charismatic host led us through the restaurant, greeting us with the characteristic Japanese welcome ("Irashaimase!") before gesturing towards tiny cramped staircases that led to our cell. We sat on the floor cross-legged behind metal bars, and our metal table clanged as we worked out how exactly to arrange our limbs without knocking ourselves out against the low-hanging industrial lights. To order, there was a metal pole chained to the bars - and like the prisoners we now were, we had to use it to bang against the bars to get a waiters' attention. The menu? Something else entirely.

Fried rice boobs, beef pussy, you name it. The drinks were the real appeal though - their signature cocktails with dildo stirrers and IV blood bags were standout favourites, but my used-condom cocktail won out - the presentation and the way it was made in front of us complete with "semen" dripping out of the condom (hmm) was mind-blowingly unlike anything I could have expected.

Then came the crowning jewel - dessert.

How could I not have ordered this exquisite delicacy? As soon as I set eyes on it months ago, eyes glued to my laptop screen, I knew I had to have it. 

If you've got the guts to go and experience Alcatraz ER, make sure it's something you don't miss.

THE FIRST 3 THINGS YOU NOTICE ABOUT JAPAN

There's nothing quite like the fresh feeling of stepping foot in a country you've never been to before. Ah, the sweet scent of a new Enlightening Experience™ on the horizon. Although I'm back in Melbourne now, there were some particularly interesting quirks of modern Japanese life that have remained stuck in my curiosity since my return.

1) They have a thing with rubbish

Rubbish bins around town are really scarce, so don't expect to find them lining the streets. Get into the habit of carrying small plastic bags in your day pack to have somewhere to stash your rubbish and take it with you - carrying around rubbish openly is generally frowned upon. Of course, so is eating casually as you walk down the street - so if you're being polite, chances are this won't affect you too much.

In Japan, there are strict rules when it comes to categorising your rubbish too. Often, you're required to separate your waste into one of (typically) five categories. The keenness to dispose of waste thoughtfully in Japan is refreshing and quite honestly, a great way to force some perspective about our own waste habits back home. 

2) Holy shit, the toilets (pun intended? You decide)

There's always been the stereotype about Tokyo as "Future City", but you really feel the full weight of that phrase when you need to take a leak. In-built bidets with controllable water pressure, seat heaters, sometimes more buttons and settings than a TV remote - but the speaker with your own personal waterfall sounds to give you privacy while you relieve yourself has to be the pièce de résistance (this also seems to have the double-use of encouraging your own "flow"). Really makes you appreciate your time with Mother Nature, I'll tell ya that.

3) Convenience Stores really live up to their name

Honestly, I'm damn near certain there is nothing more reliable than a Japanese 7/11. Manga? 7/11. Noodle dishes and full bento boxes? 7/11. Alcohol? (It's legal to drink in public here, do what you will with that information...)

Australian 7/11s are pitiable in comparison, no doubt about it - time for us to step up our game, IMHO.

More on Japan to come, of course - stay tuned, angels.